he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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