He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
