All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
