Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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