I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
