I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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