I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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