I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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