Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm sobbing to NWA
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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