woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
