Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
