Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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