so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
