I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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