I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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