I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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