So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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