i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
