Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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