Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
