i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We have started to decorate penises.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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