Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.