I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
