I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
