So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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