Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(602): View more from Arizona

hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.

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(214): View more from Texas

No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix

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(360): View more from Washington

Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.

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(916): View more from California

I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.

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(727): View more from Florida

She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You pretty much did tho

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic

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