Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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