Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.