Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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