i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
