grandma shit on top of the toilet
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
