So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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