How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
