Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
