yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
