Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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