well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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