Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
