I just pynch a tree in the face
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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