I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
