Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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