Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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