You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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