Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
