Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
