If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
