it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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