apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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