did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
