Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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