I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I bet he comes in French.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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