i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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