I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
