Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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