Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
