Jerry, you need to find god
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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