The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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