All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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